Olympic Plums at the ready… August 22, 2008
Posted by Snoopy in Current-affairs, Humor, Sport.1 comment so far
I’ve really enjoyed the olympics this year. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to spend most of the days with the tv on catching everything from the ping-pong to the hand-bags-at-five-paces some were calling “tae-kwon-do”. Someone will have to tell me sometime firstly why they don’t punch, and why, such a dynamic fighting style is so mind-numbingly, hip-hoppingly dull. I would like to propose a step away from such a silly, bouncy stalemate, and towards one tae-kwon-dist vs twelve street ruffians against the clock. Now that I I would buy a bag of popcorn for.
Aside from the seasick-inducing bouncing, there were two other things that I really didn’t like. First up was what they are now charmingly terming “showboating”, seen very clearly at the end of Usain Bolt’s 100m win where, at 60 metres, he was so far ahead, and so far up his own posterior that he ran the next 20 metres backwards, and the last 20 on his hands! Sure he won a gold medal with a new world record, and credit to the guy for being the fastest perambulator around, but no-one thought to make his medal-ribbons long enough to get them over such a big head. Warn the officials next time willya!
The other thing I didn’t like, or perhaps just didn’t get, is something they’re calling the “Modern Pentathlon”. Now the non-modern kind, which was recently changed to the Heptathlon, contains the usual old-school athletic mix of running, jumping and throwing, perpetrated by women the likes of which you’d never see outside of Gladiators. I’d have a go at arm-wrestling a thumb, but I’d lose. Badly. On the other hand the Modern Pentathlon, well, this is a different beast altogether. I think when the inventors of this olympic, er, “sport” dreamt it up, the thinking went along these sorts of lines;
“Now, let’s have a look here. What section of the world’s population are under-represented at the Olympic Games… Ah yes! The female upper class! Let’s not leave them out. Now, what do they do in their normal day-to-day lives that we can draw on for inspiration… well, they shop of course, and they ride horses… they go hunting, oh, and of course they swim! Perfect! So, let’s do a 3000 metre run round a complicated maze, that’s the shopping around a busy boutique bit, then we’ll do 10 meter air pistol, that’ll be for the shooting. Now, horse riding needs an event, so we’ll do show jumping for that, and we’d better do 200 meter swimming, and we’d better make it freestyle just in case there’s some that don’t want to get their hair wet. Hmm, that’s only four and we need a fifth. I know! Lets have fencing in the hopes that they all stab themselves back to reality! Perfect!”
And so the Modern Pentathlon was born. After the five grueling events all interviewees agreed that it was a thoroughly rip-snorting competition, and all were looking forward to offing another chukka in four years at the London olympics. Okay, I don’t want to use sarcasm to take away from the competitors (and give to perhaps somewhat more deserving grass-roots athletes of the world), so just pretend I’m a lonely, bitter, 20 stone pauper, and forget I said anything.
Oh, except well done Team GB and roll on London 2012!!!
Oh to ban film sequels… August 15, 2008
Posted by Snoopy in Current-affairs, Film, Technology.4 comments
Gah. I’m getting fed up of my favourite franchises getting chewed up and spat out like yesterday’s old cheroot.
The first was Star Wars. I loved the original three films, they were fun and quirky, but at the same time big and bold in score and ambition. Moreover I loved the concept that told of a wide universe of politics, intrigue, spaceships, robots, hyperspace and aliens that played jazz. Since then, no-one has even come even close to engendering such passion in so many comic-shop workers, which for an idea with such mind-boggling possibilities for story telling is, quite frankly, astonishing.
But of course that didn’t stop George Lucas trying. Oh no. The mishy-mashy hodge-podge of filth and feculance that was Star Wars episodes one, two and… DEEP BREATH… three… made me physically allergic to ever speaking the name of Skywalker ever again.
The second franchise to suffer an equally gruesome fate was of course The Matrix. The first film, released in 1999, turned my film-watching world upside down. If truth be known, it even made me look askance at my surroundings with rather slyer eyes and just a hint of the what-if’s, and I’m guessing that, at the time, I probably wasn’t alone. Again, the concept was mind-boggling, and replete with possibilities to last film-makers and cinema-goers alike well into the next century, or at least until we got our own head-sockets.
But then came the inevitable gip-worthy second and third films, and like a badly constructed house of cards when someone has inadvertently turned on the overhead fan, everything just came tumbling down in a shower of arrogance and hyperbole.
So more fool me for having such high hopes for the new Clone Wars film. I like Anime, I like the possibilities that it can give to writers, freeing them from the bonds of reality-induced green-screening. It can give style and character where, particularly in the case of Hayden Christensen, there is none. But I suppose it was inevitable that such hopes would be dipped in tar and sent off to the feather factory. Gah.
So what can be done to stop the rot? How can we safe-guard our beloved franchises, stories and characters of our childhood, hopes for our entertainment future? Do we go all Open-Source and continue these productions as a mass collective? Do we demand that such cinematic gold get turned over to “The State” to ensure long-term survival and growth in safe hands? Perhaps we should just bite the bullet, make sequels illegal, and be done with it. At least then I’d be able to hear the words “feel the force Luke” without the shiver of midichlorians running down my spine…
Move over Jetsons, we have the… Winglet?! August 11, 2008
Posted by Snoopy in Current-affairs, Observation, Technology.add a comment
Ever on the look out for new ways of hauling my tired and aching body around this gravity-encumbered rock, I recently came across a few interesting unveilings that could, given some tender attention and a pimped-up paint job, show some promise.
But before rushing into things, it must be said that I have two key criteria for any new perambulation possibility; it is must be cool, say, as cool as a cucumber. And of course it must be speedy; if I can get around as quickly by walking or catching a bus, then I may as well go and buy one of those Oyster card thingies and some Birkenstock. And maybe some accompanying white socks for the bedroom.
First up is Toyota’s new Winglet. Similar in form and function to the innovative yet terminally and repeatedly embarrassing Segway Personal Transporter, this little rolling gem can apparently scoot a smiling Japanese marketing type up to 6km/h for 10km, or until she hits a flight of stairs, whichever happens first. The problem? Two-fold. Much like it’s Segway forefathers, it is slow; a wheezing 3-legged dog could outpace it whilst chasing it’s own tail. Also, again like the Segway, it would not look out of place in a gurning championship. At least if it was blindingly fast nobody would have time to see how stupid it looked. But alas, it isn’t.
Anything jetpack related is always going to stand a good chance of scooting me around this little overpacked island, and the latest incarnation certainly does seem to tick some of my boxes. It certainly looks cool, sporting two enormous fans and joysticks straight out of two F-16 fighter jets. And despite having to drag around two big bodyguards, this thing is certainly no slouch. I give this a whole bunch of gold stars for excitement factor, alas probably to be taken away again by the flight authorities in due course.
And last, and possibly most realistically this century, a new powered exoskeleton, in this case designed to help the aged. But of course we all know that for every OAP wanting to pick up a cup of tea and a digestive, there’s a speed freak wanting to jog down to the shops at a nice 40mph lick. Why is this most realistic? Because there is less likelihood than the other two of it being legislated into oblivion, and there is currently a veritable avalanche of exoskeleton research currently going on around the world, and we all know how quickly a jot of friendly competition can make things happen.
So we have three serious potentials, and not a four-wheeled, gas-guzzling, taxed-to-high-heaven motor vehicle in sight. Which is very good indeed. I want to be able to move around faster, easier, cheaper and safer than I have done in the past, and I want to look cool doing it. Is that really too much to ask? It would appear not for much longer…
Escapism August 8, 2008
Posted by Snoopy in Current-affairs, Futurism, Observation.1 comment so far
Escapism is an amazing thing. Whether it be the Omnibus Eastenders watching people shout at each other continually for sixteen hours, or a Garth Nix book to disappear for an afternoon into a parallel world of magic and hijinx, or even far far far too many hours spent in Warcraft running around in a garish make-believe world of elves and goblins stabbing at big monsters and running away quickly in your super-boots, our capacity and desire to escape what’s right in front of our eyes is truly amazing.
The Olympics is the most visible form at the moment. The opening ceremony today was one giant piece of escapism; smiles, flair, people in boxes going up and down, lights, fireworks, dancing, music, it was one utterly enormous theatre act, utterly amazing and totally devoid of reality, especially when looking back over the host country’s history as open ceremonies are wont to do. Understandable I guess, no-one wants to air their laundry in public, especially China, and especially on such an enormous world stage. So, escapism it is. Everyone exudes smiles, friendship, and happiness. Not a care in the world.
And it kinda reminds me of the stories of playing football at Christmas, along the front lines in World War II. Just for one day, all guns go down, and people forget about the killing and the destruction, and just lose themselves in play. And maybe that’s how we get ourselves through the days and weeks of working life. Maybe playing Warcraft is the best way of coping with not having a job. Maybe the constant shouting in Eastenders helps cope with the intermittent shouting in one’s own relationship.
And maybe the Olympics just lets us think, for a short two weeks out of every four years, that we really do all live on the same planet, and really can share the same positive values, and that everyone really can be harmonious and peaceful in their turn.
Like I said, escapism is an amazing thing.
Space really ain’t easy… August 4, 2008
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Bah, rocket science. Surely it can’t be so damn complicated that even after three attempts SpaceX still have to reach for the big red “Abort” button on their Falcon rocket and look sheepishly at the floor trying to find the hole to swallow them up. Three attempts for goodness sake! Come on people! What are you playing at?!
And it’s not like this time was just any old rocket either. No, this one was tasked with sending none other than James “She Canna Take It Any More Cap’n” Doohan, he of late Star Trek fame, off to his final resting place out in the big black! He wanted his bits to spend the rest of eternity boldly going where bits had never gone before, and all you could manage was a good wide scattering across half of Mexico! Why would you do that to him people, why? Why?
Well, admonishments aside, this really is not good news for commercial, non-governmental spaceflight. I know Richard Branson and the Virgin Galactic team are pushing things forward, and speaking, rather too boldly if I might add, about their future orbital capabilities, so perhaps all will be well. And perhaps rockets, last century’s horribly dangerous, expensive, and unpredictable “space taxis” have at last had their day, which this incident only serves to underline with a big fat marker-pen. Perhaps. But it still doesn’t stop my head and shoulders slumping just a fraction.
Fortunately we are lucky though. At least we do still have a good number of people wanting to continue to push technological envelopes (even if swiftly followed by a big “Oopsie!” button). Without them the rest of us would have to start thinking about a future without the Starship Enterprise, and I’m not sure I like the sound of that. We also need a strong defence against the enormous tides of sheer inanity out there, including people like these Flat-earthers, who firmly believe, against all that makes sense in the universe, that the earth is still flat. When people start talking about global circumnavigation being a case of “travelling in a very broad circle across the surface of the Earth”, and that all photos of our globular earth are in fact, fake, then you know you have to get away, fast. And if you’re in any doubt just how fast and how much distance you need to put between you and them, just check out their website. Tickets for the new moonbase anyone? <cringe>
Chinese soup for starters sir? August 1, 2008
Posted by Snoopy in Current-affairs, Observation, Sport.add a comment
Ah the Olympics. Gladiator vs gladiator, the open field, fair play and fair winds leading to victory and defeat in their turn. It’s an exciting time to be an athlete in your prime, to go out in front of the whole world with all your toned, ripply bits on show, and give it all you’ve got, for one single moment to shine above all others.
An evocative picture to be sure, the mere talk of which is sending hearts racing, participants and watchers alike. Sure, the combination of no satellite tv and Chinese time zones / pre-war communistic news reporting controls is going to make things a touch less “pacy” for the average Joe like me, but we’ll soldier through with typical British grit, and a regular dose of Radio 5 Live. Kinda like having your own Olympics obstacle-course at home, only with cleaner air.
Which is an interesting conundrum. Y’see, the news is replete with all of the difficulties China is having at the moment, not least of which is the air quality. Which makes me wonder. Would I, of clearly humble-ney-cuddly proportions, have the potential of competing with athletes going to the Olympic Games this year? Clearly not if we were to both stand within jeering distance, but what if I plant my size 8’s in rural England, and they have to somehow find the starting line in this pea-souper? Setting aside the possibilities of getting lost and never finding civilisation again, would I stand a remote chance of reaching a podium position, albeit a remote satellite link-up one?
Well, the effects of breathing in pure grey will I’m sure be clear to all when the only World Record to be broken is in the Tiddly-Winks championships. Fortunately for us, the UK have always been world leaders, which will at least give us one trophy to rally around for the next four years until the games moves to the Mojave Desert for 2012. And by then we’ll almost certainly have the drugs needed to not only be able to see the finish line, but to allow ourselves to actually reach it in reasonable time.
