Generalism

Star Trek? Well, perhaps more of a Star Battle. A Star War if you will. Nah, too trite.

So is the quintessential nature of the series now gone? The “Trek” in “Star Trek” now as redundant as plot, tension, poise and intellect? This latest installment would, I fear, suggest so.

People who have already been to see the film will find my synopsis complete and accurate in every detail. People who haven’t, I’m not going to flag a spoiler alert, because you already knew what the film was going to be about way before you came here.

So. Car chase, fight, fight, explosion. Fight, argument, fight, explosion. Time travel, kiss. Comment from the original series, hilarity ensues, Kirk meets Spock. Argument, fight, explosion, explosion, Kirk meets McCoy, McCoy meets Spock, comment from the original series, hilarity ensues. Kiss, Chekov tries to say “Wessel”, the computer fails to understand him, hilarity ensues. Time travel, Kirk, meets Old Spock, meet Scotty. Rummy! The set is now complete. Explosion, chase, explosion, escape, explosion. Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Bones, Chekov, and Sulu all stand together in a group looking at the camera, and… CHEESE! Nice picture. Hold for one more… Perfect, thankyou. Explosion, fight, explosion, smiles, Old Spock, a final scattering of random comments from original series, hilarity ensues, and cheers all round for a rousing victory.

Now what they were victorious for, or perhaps against, I couldn’t tell you. If you examine my synopsis you will note a complete lack of plot, storyline, point to any of them getting out of bed on that, or any other fateful day. On top of the unbridled, no sorry, bridled story-telling, it would appear that it is possible to become captain of a flagship straight out of University, oh and apparently a black hole can destroy an entire planet, but you’re safe to stand and watch the spectacle if you’re located on its neighbour. Incidentally, I still can’t remember the name of the bad guy, so please, if someone can remember, feel free to mock it in the comments. I know he looked kinda human, but with a tattoo on his face, clearly making him a completely different race. Oh, and he drove around a ship about a thousand times the size of the enterprise but was still defeated in the end, in a kind of David and Goliath kinda way. So fresh, so vital.

So sad.

I had a bit of a moan a while ago about banning sequels. I need to add to that the banning of prequels, at least before the trend gets too far out of control. I spent most of the film waiting for the main characters to “meet”, ticking each off as it happened (which was of course spaced neatly throughout the 90 minutes), I cringed my way through McCoy and Scotty’s one-liners (which were, incidentally, bad fourty years ago), and roll my eyes as time-travel took centre stage and attempted to pull together something that was best left on the back of the napkin to which it was born.

And I’m also stuck trying to figure out what the point of it all was. It doesn’t further the franchise, rather, being in danger of damaging it irrevocably (unless you’re a fan of such bubblegum schtick, in which case you’ll probably be happy with pretty much anything Hollywood throw out). It could have been an introduction to viewers new to the franchise, but if that were the case, why use the original cast and characters? Surely they’re only there to appeal to the pre-cast fans, who all decided to be up-in-arms anyway because there wasn’t a single Klingon in the whole shebang, ridiculously unbelievable as they were?

But then maybe that’s the perfect theme for what Star Trek has become. Entertaining, but totally unbelievable. Bubblegum for all its screen-blowing action and lack of plot. It’s not where I would have gone, but then I don’t get to pull the strings, and probably a good thing too. I’d probably want some depth, a bit of plot, some twists, an ending that left me wanting (but which would not give it because of my distaste of sequels). Nah, perhaps it’s better such things are left to the sci-fi masses, many of whom I’m sure were frothing in the isles at every “she canna tek it any more Jim!”.

All in all I give this film a solid 6 out of 10 for all of it’s eyeball-piercing effects, but would be hard pressed to recommend it to a friendly neighbour.